I have been slowly descending to rock bottom since Eric left to go back to Iraq. I could just cry and cry and cry and sleep and sleep and sleep and then cry some more. I am so finished with this deployment. I am so miserable.
I tried to prep myself for August and September, knowing they would be difficult months and I STILL can't seem to get a grip. Knowing that September 3rd is the one year mark makes me feel so sad. I can't believe I have been on my own for a year...just waiting. Its the worst! Trying to keep busy to make the time go by. I am so tired of trying to think of things to do to make time pass - its like watching water boil. Its painful. I feel helpless.
I'm not sleeping well at night. Even though I check the doors before I go to bed I constantly wake up wondering if someone has broken into the house. I am exhausted from not sleeping well.
Now that we have a year behind us I feel even more stressed about Eric's safety. Like its tempting fate for them to stay for more than a year and not have any casualties. I know its morbid, but I worry! I worry contstantly. No one ever talks about this, but I am pretty sure everyone feels the same way. It doesn't help that I went to a training today to learn about being on a "care team". A care team is a group of spouses that help widows cope directly after being "notified" of a "casualty". I've been putting off going, but decided it would ultimately benefit me to at least be educated on the subject. Now that's depressing. To feel the need to be educated about what happens if your husband is killed in action. Quite honestly, in my mind frame, I had no business attending. But I didn't want to seem like a drama queen or a flake by not going - so I sucked it up and choked back embarassing tears throughout the training.
So where does this leave me? Well...with another 3 months of waiting...waiting for Eric to come home safely, waiting to sell our house, waiting to pack up everything, waiting to see where we will live in Kansas, waiting to set up all of Wyatt's million doctors and specialists at the new post...JUST FUCKING WAITING.